I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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