I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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