can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
