cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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