i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
