got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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