He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
