you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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