just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
