Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
