I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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