I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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