I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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