i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
