turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
