we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
