well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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