I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
