I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He passed out mid-signature
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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