i may or may not be watching the land before time
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
