i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
