you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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