yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
