It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
