If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
where are my eyebrows?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
