at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
