Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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