The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
