Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
