i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
