Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
