Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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