My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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