Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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