Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize