I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
