Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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