I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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