Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
