I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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