I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
