i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
