I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
