so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize