I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
