remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
