I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
