If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
