"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
