I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
