Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
As shirtless as possible
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
