Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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