You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
