one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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