the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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