so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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