We should be called the Road Head Warriors
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
