I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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