i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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